I remember the day that I first learned about death. Not the word itself, nor its definition or what people say it is… What it truly is, and why we fear it so.
It was a few days after Easter, and the dogwoods were still blooming all over the South Carolina mountains. I was walking down the wooden staircase in my grandparent’s home, and I could hear my mom and grandmother sobbing together in the kitchen. My infant cousin was sleeping peacefully upstairs, oblivious to the fact that a mere two days prior, her own sweet mother, my aunt, had given up life itself to bring her into the world. I turned away from the noise, but when I looked across the living room, there, in front of the picture windows in my grandfather’s oversized leather chair, sat the tiny frame of my ten year old “shadow”, Ariana. While all of the four older kids had been hit hard, I hadn’t seen her cry yet. But there she was, alone, with tears steaming quietly down her face. I quickly crossed the room and gathered her into my arms as the damn broke, and she sobbed into my shoulder as she repeated over and over “what are we going to do?” I let my own tears flow freely as I replied, “I don’t know. I’m so sorry, but I don’t know.”
In that moment, I looked into heaven and realized that for the first time in my life, I could truly do nothing. There was no going back, no changing direction or mindset, no great un-doing or miraculous healing of this hurt. Nothing I could say or do would stop the hemorrhage, the hurt that was crashing down all around me. Death had come, and the finality of it all was staggering.
Over the following years, I would encounter death many more times. As an ICU nurse, I came to know death on a more intimate level than most. Did you know that every nurse remembers their first death? They may not want or even be able to talk about it, but they do. I remember his name, his face, his final whispered words, even the feeling of ribs cracking underneath my palms as I vainly attempted to prevent the inevitable.
As time went on, I learned the difference between “good” deaths and “bad” deaths, grief that is hopeful and grief that is hopeless. I learned the skills to delay death as long as possible and, at times, how to embrace it with quiet dignity and compassion. Still, the finality of death was staggering as it crashed around me day after day.
Actually, it wasn’t until the moment that death hit my own heart the hardest that I finally learned its best kept secret. Many of you know the story of my son (if not, you can read it here). In preparing and finally experiencing my son’s death, I again struggled with the pain of finality and my inability to do anything about it. But the day I handed my son to his Savior… That day, what I had known so long in my head finally made its way into my heart. You see, what most people don’t truly know about death is…
Death isn’t final at all.
When Christ says that he conquered death on the cross, he meant that death is no longer the end. He did what I could not those years ago as I held that sweet girl in my arms- he did something about it. He made it okay, he wiped away the tears and in one grand and marvelous un-doing, he did away with death itself.
Because of him, I will see my aunt again. We will laugh together as I tell her that she was right; being pregnant is terrible, but babies are the best thing in the world. Because of his sacrifice, I will snuggle my sweet Sam & my other baby who has no earthly name but will forever have a piece of my heart. And Lord willing, I will see some of those people whose bodies I prepared, those good deaths and bad deaths and everything-in-between deaths, and we will worship together at the feet of our Savior.
This is why we do not mourn as those who have no hope.
This is why we love others limitlessly; why we tell them that they are loved and there is beauty and forgiveness and healing to be found in Christ and His Scripture.
This is why we worship. Because He conquered death and set us free. When we come to him and confess that we can undo nothing; that we are weak and helpless lost in sin and sadness, that we need him desperately- he then steps in and saves us. While we may still experience physical death, he gives us an eternity with himself as co-conquerers of death and its reign of terror over us.
Friends, this is the God we worship. And I tell you with tears in my eyes, He is worthy.
Those words have cost me much; may their truth sink from our heads into our hearts, until it flows from our lips and hands in praise.
Love always,
Kelsey
“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?
As it is written,“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Romans 8:35-38
Miracles Enough 