When God Says “No”

Sometimes, I’m afraid I’m a pragmatist. During times of pain, I often find myself wondering if I’m balancing that eternal weight of faith in God’s ability to work the miraculous and a humble submission to His Sovereign will. Am I limiting God? Am I missing out on these “miracles” because my faith doesn’t amount to a mustard seed?

You have to understand, this year has been quite a study in seeing God through suffering. It started with a traumatic and unexpected miscarriage in January. By the end of February, we had neither income nor a home of our own anymore. March and April ushered in multiple viral illnesses, depression & family health emergencies; May brought the diagnosis of an autoimmune disease… I could regale you for hours with stories of debilitating back injuries, hospitalized children, financial strain; so the list goes on…

In many of these instances, I was brought low. Low enough to question God’s love for me, His goodness, sometimes His very existence. But time and time again, He called me back. Quieted me with His love. Showed me that His love for me is not dependent on my circumstances, and that He hears the prayers that seemingly go “unanswered”.

And that sometimes, because He loves me, He says no.

Then enter in this story of our dear, sweet, loved-like-crazy Samuel. The child our hearts ached for; that we prayed for. The child I suffered through months of discomfort and illness for. Yet how could I complain? God had finally given me a “yes”, and it made all our previous misery pale in comparison.

Then came the ultrasound room. The grim lines on the technician’s face. The multiple scans, blood work, MRI, genetic counseling. The quiet offer of a medical termination. The tearful decision to carry our son until God Himself takes Sam into His own loving arms, whether that be minutes, days, or years.

Once again, I am brought low.

People keep calling me “brave” and “strong”, saying how “proud” they are of us. Sweet encouragement to be sure, but I have to confess…

I don’t feel brave.
I don’t feel strong.
I don’t feel worthy of any sort of recognition or esteem.

I feel like I’m about to drown. I’m exhausted, trapped, cornered, without a way of escape. I have but one option if there is any hope of survival.

I cling to Christ.

You see, I have a firm belief that the compassionate and loving God Who formed galaxies is fully capable of healing my son with a single word… and that would indeed be a miracle worthy of praise. I know that “doctors are often wrong”, “medicine is not perfect”, “there have been cases”… I’ve heard and read them all. And if complete healing for Sam is His will, you will find us dancing in the streets with joy.

But I’ve been told “no” enough times this year to understand that God’s miracles don’t always mean physical healing and ease of pain. Sometimes He parts deep waters; other times, He changes hearts. Despite our pain, His hand has been evident in so many ways during these last few months. Even in my darkest places, He reminded me that He loves me. That He is good when my life is not. Despite my own foolishness and pride, He is showing me Himself in these “No”s. 

For now, that is a miracle enough.

“The Lord is my Shepherd; I have all that I need”
​Psalm 23

With Love,
Kelsey